📿 Entering Spiritual Warrior Mode

...because right now I'm at my f*cking limit

I came across a quote by Pema Chodron recently that really hit home:

“Some people work hard, day and night, in the field of helping others, but their strongest motivation is to stay busy so they can avoid feeling their own pain.”

Okay - ouch. Pema is reading me to filth over here.

I wouldn’t say that my strongest motivation is to avoid my pain (see my last piece for a deeper dive into that). But I can’t deny that lately, I’ve been keeping myself busier than usual. It’s just so hard to pause and sit with the pain around me.

There’s the pain at home—my baby and wife were both sick, so I’ve been in full caretaker mode. Then there’s my mother’s surgery (again, see my previous piece), which had me playing a caretaker role for her as she recovered. On top of that, I’m focusing on the part of being a meditation teacher that I dislike the most—the marketing of programs. But mainly, it’s the fact that societal suffering feels ramped up to 11. So Elmo, I’m gonna be real: I’m at my fucking limit.

Recently, a comic book writer I admire shared this meme, which articulates my feelings right now:

I feel this way any time I say, “Hey! Come meditate with me! There’s a program starting next week!” I know the world is really fucking intense right now…and I also know meditation can help us handle that intensity.

That meme gets to the painful truth Pema is calling me out on. It’s the fact that the world feels like it’s on fire. And in my role as a meditation teacher, I’m called upon (and I do my best here) to hold space for others as they process what it’s like to pretend everything is normal in a world on fire.

Yet at the end of the day, when I am no longer busy, I find such sadness in my heart. I want to cry. The other night, while driving Ruby home from her playgroup, Stevie Wonder’s “You Are the Sunshine of My Life” came on our Spotify playlist. I began singing along, which she at least pretends to enjoy, and tears welled up in my eyes as I thought of how this song perfectly captures my love for her. Then I thought of the countless families subject to the terror and bombings in Gaza and how they feel the same way about their children. The idea of losing one’s child, or living under the constant threat of losing them, felt so massive and immediate and I openly sobbed.

There’s part of me that thought the shock-and-awe tactics of a Trump presidency would be second nature by now. We’ve been through it before. Before he took office, I thought, “How bad could it be?” I underestimated him, as so many people did. He’s organized, and now he understands the system he’s so desperate to break, supposedly in the name of repairing and making it even better.

I can’t keep pulling on that particular thread in this piece because, again, there’s pain there. Nor do I get the sense that you desire a meditation teacher regurgitating CNN articles with their personal hot take on what’s happening in Washington. That’s not what we do here at The Laundry. We talk about how we are processing what is going on right now, through a Buddhist lens.

With that in mind, I want to talk about how I am staying busy helping others as a way of avoiding my pain.

I am teaching…a lot right now. The teaching itself brings me joy, even though it feels, at times, like I am screaming into the void. “Be compassionate,” I might say. Silence. “Everyone possesses basic goodness!” I yell. The sound of people disconnecting, looking for something good on Netflix, bounces back at me. That little toggle toggle as they scroll to the next option looking for something — anything — to keep them busy enough to avoid feeling their own pain.

Recently, I was corresponding with a meditation student in Europe who was sympathizing with the ache many Americans are feeling right now. She wrote, “We have to remain grounded more than ever and cultivate loving kindness and gratitude to at least contribute to keeping the collective vibration high. This is spiritual warrior mode.”

“Spiritual warrior mode.” I love it. I want it on a shirt.

Spiritual warrior mode isn’t about fighting others; it’s about getting so grounded and open-hearted that you can navigate this period of time not just with sanity but the ability to skillfully help others.

When I was young, there was an X-Men arcade game I loved to play. You could choose a character like Cyclops, and after saving up enough energy, you could hit the TURBO button and blast everything in sight. I now imagine the voiceover shouting, “SPIRITUAL WARRIOR MODE!” as the enemies blow into little pieces.

Spiritual warrior mode is not about destroying enemies. It’s about making ourselves the most resilient and potent forces for good possible.

That is what I wish to busy myself with, he says, looking longingly at his meditation cushion. These are times when one’s meditation practice is really put to the test. All that time logged on the cushion, all those hours of Buddhist study, are all like the energy of the video game character that we can tap into when we hit the button and move into spiritual warrior mode.

And yet, not unlike those arcade games, after a dedicated sprint of showing up powerfully, we need to recharge. That meditation cushion in the corner of my office is my charging station. If I want to show up and be of help during what feels like a desperate time, I need to do so from a place of being grounded and open-hearted.

Circling back to the observation by Pema Chodron: I know that I need to busy myself with sitting and feeling everything that I’m feeling right now, so that I can be as equipped as possible to be genuinely helpful to others.

I need to practice more than I ever have, both on and off the meditation seat, so I can be a force for good in this world. Only then, Elmo, will I feel back to my normal self.

And if you’d like to join me in meditation, as I mentioned earlier, my next program, The Progressive Stages of Meditation starts next week. This is where you can learn all of the Buddhist meditation practices in their entirety.

For people who want to study Buddhism more formally, the Buddhist Immersion begins in late March. This is my signature program, offered once a year, and it’s a complete training in practice and study for the entire Buddhist path. All in one go.

And if you’re already solid in your meditation practice, you should consider training to be become a Meditation Instructor. In my experience, it’s an incredibly rewarding way to be of service to others.

Thank you so much for reading, and Happy Valentines Day. I am sending you love right…now.