📿Everything is Fucked / Everything is Ok

A 10 year old zine points to how we can hold two conflicting points of view

Image: The zine in question

Earlier today, someone attending one of my meditation classes wrote me. They are suffering from a recent break up and the loss of a family friend and thus experiencing a lot of heartbreak and grief. I tend to get a lot of these sorts of emails, given both my line of work and the relative popularity of my book on heartbreak, LOVE HURTS.

Some of these notes are about relationships like those listed above, but I’m also noticing an increasing number of people writing to me about the grief they feel at the state of the world overall. One person simply stated, “Things just don’t feel okay anymore.”

Ten years ago I was invited to submit a piece of writing to a zine. Even back in 2014, zines were considered retro. Perhaps that’s why this lady I had just started seeing was interested in being my date to the launch party (or perhaps she liked me; she did end up marrying me after all). I doubt I would even remember the event if she didn’t recall and frequently bring up the name of the now-extinct zine: “Everything is Fucked / Everything is Ok.”

The title of the zine has grown on me over the last decade when, to be frank, things have moved towards feeling increasingly fucked on a societal level.

I think of the wildfires in California and despair that in the course of just the last few decades we have gone from the idea that there can be wildfires to an actual “wildfire season.” Similar to hurricane season, it’s just a foregone conclusion that we will be reaping the devastation we have sown ecologically; we no longer consider these events a rarity but something that occurs with such frequency that it merits its own “season.”

I think of how we used to have distinct wars that would begin and end. Now it seems we are stacking war on top of war and the conflicts that occur are never-ending, also breeding hatred and potential vengeance in future generations of individuals who fall victim to them. I search for news about Ukraine and it seems already buried by the daily tragedies occurring in the Middle East.

I think of the incredible wealth disparity in our world and how such a small number of people hold so much power due to the fact that they mastered the art of capitalism. It sometimes feels like those who determine our future are the same people whose primarily skill set is knowing how to take the most of our money. I despair that very few of them seem invested in long-term resources for society but instead allow space travel and other pet projects to consume their monetary resources.

Man, everything is fucked.

And yet, when we had our baby, neighbors came out of the woodwork to care for us and make sure we had food to eat. Our pets are able to receive care that didn’t exist a decade ago, which is prolonging the number of years we get to cuddle with them. We have technology that allows Adreanna’s mother to see her grandchild, even when she is unable to physically be with us. 

You know what? I take it back. Everything is okay.

I have found that for me, I can vacillate between these two notions just as quickly as I did in this piece. The only thing that changes is my view.

If I can connect to the positive and tangible things that are occurring right under my nose, I gain very real confidence that everything is okay. I know that society is made up of humans who are inherently loving, kind individuals and yes, sometimes we act out of our pain and confusion, but that’s not who we truly are. Who we are is basically good.

In other words, I can acknowledge the suffering that exists in our world, and not always get overwhelmed by it. I can see that things are pretty fucked and not lose sight of everything that is okay. If there is one thing that my meditation practice has gifted me, it is that.

Society and its issues are no different than what we as individuals experience. Aggression on a societal level, for example, is a number of people caving to aggression on an individual level. After all, isn’t this massive thing we call a society just a conglomeration of us individuals grappling with our pain points while trying to be happy? Everything feeling fucked on a societal level can often mirror what it’s like for me as an individual when I feel like things are fucked.

Which brings me to another thing my meditation practice has helped me with over these many years: learning that I - and only I - get to determine how I live my life. This is because how I live my life is based on how I view myself and the world around me (fucked or okay). And no one gets to determine that but me.

I sit on the meditation cushion and what one might call an “intrusive thought” arises: “That person didn’t write you back. Probably because they don’t want to work with you.” How quickly that can spiral to “No one wants to work with you. You should stop teaching Buddhism and work for the post office. Even then, what with you having a kid now, you won’t be able to get by and you will lose your house and go live in a cardboard box.” 

The irony is that I know this particular “everything is fucked” routine well; it’s something that almost every single one of my meditation students have shared with me over the years. They have an annual review coming up or one of the classes they are teaching gets cut or their boss simply said, “Let’s talk on Friday” and no matter how well things are going in their work they spiral all the way down to the very specific meeting place for so many of us: I will soon be living in a cardboard box.

So, when this comes up in my meditation practice, on a good day I laugh. On a normal day I at least remember to acknowledge that story and come back to the breath. Even if the intrusive thought arises again, I acknowledge it and return to mindfulness of the breath.

Whether I perpetuate the everything is fucked at work mentality is not up to the person who has yet to get back to me. It’s not up to any other colleague or student. It’s up to me.

By acknowledging the story and shifting my attention back to what is happening right now (the breath) I encounter a beautiful experience: everything is okay. Right now, sitting on this cushion, in this warm house, with loving family and animals nearby, I am okay. That is actually the reality of the situation, not the “What ifs” that try to remove me from it.

And whether this person gets back to me or not, whether the delay is because they are swamped or not interested, I get to decide if my work situation is fucked or okay. To quote Taylor Swift, “It's me, hi, I'm the problem, it's me.” Or, conversely if I hold the positive view, “It’s me, hi, I’m the solution, it’s me.”

From a Buddhist point of view, body, speech and mind are all connected. For example: maybe you were at a dinner party and everyone was gossiping about a mutual friend. You leave and wonder, “Will they also gossip about me?” Your speech has affected your mind.

A little while back, Adreanna and I watched the television show Breaking Bad. I found myself having pretty horrific, violent nightmares during that time. How funny that this activity of the body affected my mind so quickly!

Conversely, when I exercise regularly, that activity of the body boosts my mood. Mentally I feel cheerful. I come home and Adreanna asks me how my day was and I speak about the parts that were inspiring. Body, speech and mind.

If I hold the mental view that everything is fucked, fueling that notion with a lot of stories like the ones I listed before, then I find myself engaged in self-absorbed activity like wasting my time on whether my Instagram post is doing well or when someone asks me what’s new, I word vomit about the thing that feels messed up right now.

If I hold the view that things are okay, then I find myself more able to connect with those around me, shifting the focus just from “me” and “my current thing causing me anxiety/frustration/concern” to a genuine interest in the well-being of others. In this way, I leverage my shift in view on an individual level and apply it to the societal level.

This is not a negation of the suffering of the world. It’s more about becoming expansive enough to accommodate and not be overwhelmed by it (thank you meditation practice).

I can notice some of the good happening right now. Our big dog, June, is curled up on my small office chair like she is still a puppy and not an overgrown beast spilling out on all sides. Our other dog, Winnie, sits at my feet, ready to play outside the moment I am done typing. Upstairs, my child and wife snooze, stacked one on top the other like adorable Lego blocks.

Outside of my home, someone is telling their partner that they love them for the first time. Someone is returning from a trip and reuniting with family they haven’t seen in far too long. A cat just got adopted into a loving home. A group of colleagues just got the green light on a project that will save their company. Someone fell and a stranger stopped and helped them back on to their feet. They too are doing okay.

Right now, even in the face of unending war, ecological devastation and political divides, I know that this moment - not just for me but for many - is good. Everything can be fucked, but everything can also be okay. I can hold both to be true and enjoy taking the dogs outside