📿 Friction And Forgiveness

Maybe Relationships Are Meant To Challenge Us.

Folk Art by David Stewart

Hello you, Adreanna here for this week’s dispatch of The Laundry —

I’m fresh off of a visit to Ohio to see my dad’s side of the family, many of whom I haven’t seen since his death two years ago, and so relationships are on my mind. Particularly textured relationships. The ones’s that carry a little heat from the build of internal friction.

I’m reminded of the classic Ram Dass quote that “If you think you’re enlightened, go and spend a week with your family”. The punchline being that your family is bound to push your buttons (whether intentionally or not) because they’re often the ones who installed those buttons, early on in your development. I’m of the mind that it doesn’t matter how much we meditate or what therapeutic treatments we’ve tried, there will always be certain people or personalities that evoke some friction within us.

Or, to speak in in meditation parlance: There will always be folks in our life who offer us something to practice with.

I honestly don’t think this is a problem, though it’s often treated as one. It seems very en vogue right now to give the advice that if relationships aren’t pleasing to us, if they don’t “serve” us, then we should cut those relationships loose. This whole idea of giving up on each other because there’s friction makes me bristle. It sets off the same internal alarms as seeing a possum step into an intersection who is clearly going the wrong way little buddy! Get back into the grass! Society is only growing more divisive. Loneliness has been declared an epidemic in the United States. Cutting folks loose because we don’t find them pleasing seems like a very lonely way to live.

Folk Art by David Stewart

In some cases, obviously yes; if there is abuse involved then it can be a mental health liability to keep those people in our lives. Sometimes self preservation calls for a “snip, snip” of the cord. But more often than not if we’re honest with ourselves, there are relationships that just rub up against our sore spots or come packaged with disappointment— and I don’t know if this is a problem so much as a part of what relationships inherently are. Especially long-term relationships with people whom we’ve established a track record. We’ve likely collected evidence of each others brilliance and warmth — and also of each others astounding human failings. To be in relationship is to bump up against each other. There’s bound to be some friction and some disappointment involved.

I think of the observation by Gloria Steinem that “a pedestal is as much a prison as any small, confined space.” There’s a profound lack of kindness in saddling others with the expectation that they not disappoint us. It’s too high of a bar, too confined of a space to maneuver in, and it lacks self awareness of all of the ways that we’re disappointing, too. I can’t tell you the number of times I wished that the people in my life were more reliable or attentive, or were less judgmental or temperamental. It’s embarrassing to admit, but the primary agitation in all of my relationships might be neatly summed up by wishing that other people saw things the way that I do, and that they did things more like me.

Folk Art by David Stewart

I’ve been thinking that maybe the work that’s involved in any relationship is to keep sweeping these channels free of minor blockages before they calcify into resentment. It’s easy to trick ourselves into thinking that we’re letting go of our grievances, when really we’re letting them quietly pile up. The next time our friend does that annoying thing, we go picking through that pile of evidence to build a case against them. I’ve come to suspect that honest to goodness letting go — like: my hands are open, you’re off the hook — requires sweeping the channels free of these grievances with understanding and forgiveness.

This might just be the real commitment of any relationship that we’re in. What if our commitment to others was to keep stretching to see the world from where they’re standing? To occupy their shoes? To understand their motivations until we can see why they are the way that they are and how — if we were also given their circumstances — we might also be the same. What if we turned our relationships into a practice of forgiveness; forgiving the people in our lives over and over and over again in the hopes that they forgive us too. For all of our very real human failings. For the ways that we’re difficult, and petty, and how we let each other down, often without even realizing it.

I think of the strongest relationships in my life and there isn’t a single one that isn’t bonded by the fissures of conflict. We’ve hurt each other’s feelings — sometimes intentionally out of anger, but mostly just out of carelessness — and then decided to paste the cracks back together with forgiveness to make the relationship whole again. It’s an act of trust to reveal when something rubs us sideways, as much as it is to apologize and take responsibility for our side of the street. We’re offering access to how our buttons get pushed and admitting that we can be messy and careless. We don’t actually have it all together, despite our best appearances. These cracks will always change the relationship. It’s no longer delicate and pristine the way that new relationships are. It loses the innocence of an unbroken thing. But it’s also sturdier, somehow. Mended with a more solid material. It becomes a relationship that’s no longer dependent on being pleasing as it’s primary feature.

Folk Art by David Stewart

There’s a story about Zen master Seung Sahn that came out of Providence Zen Center about a student who was washing potatoes in preparation for the evening meal. Seung Sahn witnessed the student washing the potatoes one by one, making sure that each was individually cleaned before placing it in the pot of water. The story goes that the Zen master commented on how much more efficient it would be to pile all of the potatoes together the in boiling water, and let them knock the dirt of each other. The friction of bumping into each other is what cleans the potatoes as they cook. It’s an analogy that’s used to illustrate how in sanghas or Buddhist communities, the friction of bumping into one another’s personalities — with all of our brilliance, our quirks, and our failings — helps to facilitate each other’s growth. This tracks in every relationship I’ve ever encountered — including my relationship with myself.

Folk Art by David Stewart

So as popular as it is in wellness spaces to advise letting go of relationships that no longer “serve” us, I would counter that now is the time to hold each other closer than we ever have — in the spirit of wellness. Personal wellness, collective wellness, the wellness that comes from strengthening our ability to tolerate one another and operate through a lens of forgiveness rather than running towards a frictionless life. Which, let’s face it — is a mirage anyways. Just a much lonelier mirage. There will always be people in life who offer us something to practice with. And maybe it’s the bumping up against each other that is the thing that actually serves us.

That’s how we knock the dirt off.

Thank you for reading along with us here at The Laundry. We’re so glad that you’re here. If you feel so moved to share or restack this piece we appreciate the shoutout, and if you feel so moved to comment, I’d love to hear your thoughts. 🌺

Welcome to the song that played in my head while writing! It’s Bjork again! What can I say, I love early 90’s Bjork. Her music literally taught teenage-me that it was not only possible but perfectly acceptable to embody multiple emotions at once. You can scream and swoon at the same time! This track in particular is a gem, with the iconic video from Michel Gondry. Enjoy.

🎧 Human Behavior — Bjork